Adventures in Starvation

Obviously not real starvation.  But it sure felt like it to this food addict. Close enough to make me hope I don't ever have to experience actual starvation.  The worst part was it was all self-inflicted.  I've always been against fad diets.  I know they don't work, or if they do you just end up gaining the weight back after you stop the diet.  Hence the whole "it's a lifestyle change" crap, blah, blah, blah.  When you're 44 and close to 50 pounds overweight and nothing you've tried seems to work, you get a little desperate.  Some of you may be thinking, only 50 pounds, that's not that bad and it's not.  I'm blessed to be about 5'9" so I can carry off a little extra weight without looking that overweight.  I see it in the mirror, but others don't seem to, or maybe they just love me.  The issue is that I already suffer from high blood pressure and Diabetes runs in my family so....I need to do something.  I like to blame my child for stealing my metabolism.  I had it great until I turned 30 and had a child at the same time.  Not that I regret it one bit mind you, I just wish she'd give some of it back. Do you know what it's like to live with someone who can eat whatever they want and have zero percent body fat?  Meanwhile I look at food and gain weight.

The problem?  I love food.  I mean LOVE food.  I think I've mentioned before, if I could marry food, I would.  I don't eat "that" bad, but I think it's probably the quantity that I eat.  It's so very hard for me to leave amazing food behind on my plate.  I don't drink sodas but my other love is beer.  I love beer.  And not watered down light beer, I've been trying different craft beers and they are yummy.  And their made from hops - hops = barley - barley = grain.  Hence, beer is grain and grain is good for you.  Okay not really but it's so darn good!  My other problem.  I want to enjoy my life.  I don't want to be miserable because I'm depriving myself and starving myself.  That's not how I want to live.  That's what my taste buds say anyway.

I knew I needed to try something different to jump start my system.   So I tried the Military Diet or 3 Day Diet.  http://blessedmommy.hubpages.com/hub/Lose-Up-To-10-Pounds-In-3-Days-On-The-3-Day-Diet It claims you can lose up to 10 pounds in 3 days.  Okay, that's completely unhealthy weight loss and I know that. So I was realistic going in.  The idea is you eat only the suggested items for 3 days and then go back to eating "normal" for the other 4.  I know me, if I go back to eating normal for the other 4 days, I'm going to completely gain back any weight I lost in the first 3.  Hell, I can gain it back in one day of binge eating and drinking. I'm allergic to bananas so I was glad this site provided alternatives to many of the foods.  So I chose apricots instead.  I'm also not a big ice-cream person so I went with yogurt instead.  The first day wasn't so bad, I went with iced tea and Splenda because I cannot drink black coffee.  We all laughed at work about my sad little breakfast and lunch, I laughed to keep from crying.  About half way thru the second day I realized I'd already cheated. I missed the part where you are supposed to have caffeine only the FIRST day.  Are you freaking kidding me!??! You want me to go without food AND alcohol AND CAFFEINE?! Hell no! That is so not happening.  I will be EVIL.  I will be Satan incarnate reigning terror down on everyone in my path!  So, I still had iced tea every day in the morning, and then switched to water.  I always only have one coffee and then switch to water so this wasn't hard for me.  By the end of the 2nd day, I was down 2.5 pounds and feeling pretty good.  I do have to add, I do exercise pretty regularly and both cardio and strength training. So yeah, the fact I can't lose any weight is pretty frustrating.

By the 3rd day I was pretty out of it.  I had no idea restricting my caloric intake so drastically would affect my ability to form words.  I would lose my train of thought and just not get it back. I was practically incoherent at times.  I forgot my one slice of cheese that was supposed to be part of my lunch and almost had a full-fledged meltdown. My co-worker shared her weight watcher's cheese stick with me and I practically wept with gratitude.  Never been so happy to nibble on a small piece of low fat cheese in my life. I was as happy as a bird with a french fry.  I kept telling myself, it's the last day, just hang in there!!! Don't give up. You can do this!  That last night I was so hungry, I went a little bit crazy.  Mind you, I'm drinking water like a fish.  But it simply was not staving off the hunger.  FEED ME SEYMOUR! FEED ME!!!!!!!!!  My stomach was sending frantic signals to my brain.  911, I'm losing it down here.  What the hell is going on, get some food down here stat!  I finally broke down and got some apple slices and a hard boiled egg.  If I was going to cheat I wasn't going to blow it completely.  My stomach was appeased for the moment and I was able to make it to the next day.

So, I weighed in the day after the 3rd day and low and behold, I had lost 5 pounds! I was pretty happy, no lie.  Now, to just keep it off and keep going.  My brain told my stomach to chill the hell out and get used to eating less.  Something I learned in those 3 days is that I eat way more than I think I do.  I was almost constantly shoveling food in my mouth.  I would make excuses like,  "Oh its just something small or it's healthy so that makes it okay."  But it was all adding up.  Or I would eat really good most of the day and then come home and eat my entire kitchen for dinner.

So one good thing to come from my adventure in starvation was that I have cut out most of my mindless snacking.  I've since gained and lost more weight.  I'm currently 5.5 pounds down from where I started, it's been 2 weeks since I tried the diet.  I would be down more weight if I didn't go a little crazy on the weekends.  I'm eating a lot less and I'm working out 5 - 6 times a week, alternating cardio and strength training. And yes, I'm measuring myself.  Not seeing a big difference yet but I'm hoping if I keep it up and stay consistent with it, I will soon.  I can always do the diet again.  Now that I know I can actually survive it, it isn't so bad.  That's what I tell myself anyway.  I'm sure my stomach disagrees.  It's like "Oh yeah, you want to form words, you better put some food in me or your going to be a babbling idiot again."

This post may be mildly amusing to some, it's not "bust your gut" funny, like I wish it was.  Want to read something hysterical that will have you in tears?  Of course you do.  I pulled a stomach muscle laughing so hard at this post by the Everywhereist.  http://www.everywhereist.com/i-went-paleo-and-now-i-hate-everything/  Probably won't be going Paleo anytime soon.  Do yourself a favor and don't read the comments. This is why we can't have nice things, folks. People who eat right apparently are so hungry they can't understand humor.  I'm not sure who AliceWonderland0 is but I think we could be great friends.  

So I didn't completely lose my will to live on the 3 day diet.  I learned something from it and I'm going to use what I learned to keep going.  And before anyone chimes in and tells me all the things I should be doing, save your breath.  I am Irish/German.  I won't listen anyway.  And I actually can't hear much over the rumbling of my stomach. 

Why try to fit in, when you were born to stand out. ~Dr. Suess

So, without going into the whole story, (which I am still debating with myself about doing) I recently came under an unprovoked verbal attack by messenger and text. In the midst of this, a supposed "adult" called me names.  Nerd.  Frog (not even sure what that was supposed to mean).  He told me, among other things, he would be embarrassed to be me.  I wanted to tell him he was the one that should be embarrassed and so many other things, but I said nothing, because I knew to reply would only have egged him on and I had no wish for the situation to escalate.  I mean, you can't reason with crazy and I now truly believe this person has some sort of psychological issues.  I don't really know this person but he seems to think he knows me.  Kind of scary really.

At first I was upset and angry and then, I started to laugh.  Nerd?  You call that an insult? Are you kidding?  I wear that like a badge of honor.  I've never really pretended to be anything I'm not.  I'm pretty much what you would call a WYSIWYG.  What You See Is What You Get.  The person people see on the outside is pretty much the same person I am in private.  It funny to me that people think being a nerd is an insult.  It amazes me that people still attack those that are different, WHEN WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.  Let me say that again, we are all different and unique.  No two people are the same.  Some of us are just less concerned with fitting into what is considered the norm than others.

The group I hung out with in high school were the nerds and I would not have had it any other way. They were smart, funny, generous, loving people who accepted everyone for who they were.  Those outcasts, the nerds, the weirdos?  They would never call someone out for being different, instead they would celebrate that person's individuality.  The nerds and the dorks are some of the best people I know.  I'll be honest here, I was not always as confident as I am now, so back in the day, I didn't always like being a part of the nerd crowd.  But now, I'm glad that I was, it helped form me into who I am today.

People are shitty and some bullies never grow up.  But if anyone thinks that I am going to change who I am, they have another think coming.  If everyone out there was the same, what a boring world it would be.  I have also done my best to raise my daughter to be an individual and an independent thinker. (Sometimes, I've done too good a job at this and she uses that independent attitude against me.) To not care what anyone else thinks, to just be herself.  The right person will love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be.  I don't tell her anything I don't tell myself on a regular basis.

So I didn't give this person what they wanted, which was to hurt me by calling me names.  I am proud of being a nerd, a weirdo, being different.  I am who I am and I'm not going to change myself for anyone.  Hopefully, someday, I will find the right person who will appreciate me for who I am.  For now, I am content that I am me and I have lots of people in my life that love me anyway.

Nerd problems....

So I am about to go on a nerd rant.  I just thought it only fair to issue a warning.  Yes, I am a nerd.  I wear this badge with unabashed honor.  I guess today we are called "fan-girls" However, I feel I am too old and crotchety for this label.  But I was a "fan-girl" way before it was considered cool.  I collected comic books (still have them all), played Dungeons & Dragons, and watched Dr. Who back when he wore a 20 foot scarf  and carried a bag of jelly bellies in his pocket.

Anywho, what's got me on a tear lately is the most overused word of the moment, the dreaded "reboot".  The current buzz is about a reboot of Ghostbusters with an all female cast.  Ugh!  Who really thinks this is a good idea?!?!?  It's downright sacrilege!!   I mean if they want to make a comedy about four female ghost hunters, so be it.  Sounds like it could be good if done right.  But why, oh why must you try to re-make a classic movie?!   This has unmitigated disaster written all over it.  And let's keep it real, apparently there were a lot of sexist comments out on the interwebs about this.  Gender is not the issue here for me.  They could try to remake this movie with four dudes and you would still hear me squawking with dismay.  I like Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig, but I don't think they will make this decent.  Let's stop and think for a minute, if you are basically going to have to re-write more than half the script to make it work, then why not just go on and write a whole new freaking movie!?!?  Seriously Hollywood, WHAT. THE.  HELL!?

Of course I didn't understand why they felt the need to "reboot" the Spiderman franchise about five seconds after the first three came out.  And do not even get me started on the remake of Footloose!  I still haven't seen it and I have no intention of ever seeing that movie.  Blake Shelton is not even talented enough to stand in the same ROOM as Kenny Loggins, let alone re-record a classic movie song!  And no Kevin Bacon?!  Fuggedaboutit!   There is only one Footloose and I watch it whenever I get the chance and it's still awesome.  You can't beat an intro like this:

Remember when they had writers in Hollywood that actually came up with original ideas?  I mean it's ridiculous.  People there is no Ghostbusters but the original Ghostbusters! Oh and the sequel which was pretty awesome too. I bet Harold Ramis is rolling over in his grave.  It's just sad.  Now the logo of a ghost with the red no symbol takes on a whole new meaning.  Just say no to reboots people. They suck.

A freaking year already!?

This blog is a journey that started on January 10th of 2014.  Well, to be honest, it started around my 11th year. That's when I remember making a clear decision anyway about what I wanted to do for a living, but it may have started even before then. Sometime while in elementary school, for a class project I wrote to an author of a book I liked. The teacher had us mail the letters to the author, care of the publisher. To my amazement, the author wrote back!  She was very nice.  I remember her book was about horses and horses took up most of the conversation.  It was then that I realized writers were real people, just like you and me!  It was quite the epiphany.  I've always had all these stories rambling around in my brain.  I wrote one down and let my mom read it.  I had only written about two chapters. I can still see her face as she looked up at me with pride and told me that she had to know what happened next and to keep writing.  It was an overwhelming feeling that I could reach others like that and bring them enjoyment. The same enjoyment I got from reading books.

Over the years I've put my writing on hold to live life. And life can suck the muse right out of you. I am also awful at outlining a story all the way through.  I see scenes in my head and I try to make them come to life on a page.  But to make a story that has a beginning, a middle and an end.  To bring conflict to the characters and create characters that the reader will care about?  Well it's a lot easier said than done.  Every writer I've ever talked to or read about says, you can't get into writing for the money. You have to get into it because you have a story that has to be told.  I have many, but getting them all out on paper before my inner critic can sweep in and tell me it's crap and it sounds just like every other story out there is unbelievably hard.  But I'm not ever giving up.  NOT EVER!

Thanks to the inspiration of a dear friend, whose simple faith in me that I will someday reach my goal, I started this blog.  (On a side note, that inspiration still gets me in the feels every time I think about it.) I started this blog in the hopes that it would get me writing more.  I think it has achieved that goal if nothing else.  It's also fun.  I am hoping this next year will be the year I write more, much more, that's my goal.  I hope to post more here and write more for me.

If you are reading this, thank you, thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my ramblings. To my friends and family, thanks for the love and support.  I couldn't do it without you!  Have a wonderful new years and be on the lookout for more from me in the new year!!

Christmas songs that really aren't Christmas songs

I haven't written a new post in a long time.  I never seem to be able to think of anything to write about. The other day I was thinking about songs that get played at Christmas that really aren't Christmas songs.  People are funny what they pick up on.  Then one of my fellow bloggers talked about one of the songs I always think about and I'm like doh!  Your random thoughts need to be blog posts goofball!!

Anywho, the first song is Baby, It's Cold Outside.  This is not a Christmas song.  When I was a kid I watched old movies with my mom, especially musicals.  I have seen every musical Esther Williams was ever in!  I loved her, she was the queen of sass in her time and she was a fabulous swimmer. She always had these big, synchronized swimming numbers in her movies.  So there's a movie called Neptune's Daughter 1949 with Esther, Ricardo Montalban, Red Skelton and Betty Garrett (an amazing character actress).  Ricardo is putting the moves on Esther and she's like, no way, hence, the song.  Then Betty is putting moves on Red and he's like, no way!  It's classic movie gold.  But somewhere along the way, someone recorded a duet for a Christmas album and then bam!  It's a freaking Christmas tune.  Uh, not really.

The other song that actually makes me cringe when I hear it at Christmas time, even though I love it, is Dolly Parton's Hard Candy Christmas.  Um, seriously, does NO ONE pay attention?  This is a song from the movie Best Little Whorehouse in Texas 1982 for crying out loud!  It's a song being sung by a group of hookers being thrown out of their brothel people!!!   It has NOTHING to do with Christmas except that it has the word Christmas in it!   I love Dolly, she's one of the most talented song writers in the world and I love this song.  But it's not a freaking Christmas song!!!!   

Who knows where traditions start but it scares me what song will get picked up next for a new Christmas jingle.  Maybe something fun by Megadeth.  Actually, that might be kind of awesome. LOL! By the by, if you've never seen either of these movies have fun trying to find them but they are both worth it. I own Best Little Whorehouse in Texas and I might have to go start building a Esther Williams movie collection.  Peace my friends!

Juicing - if there's no vodka involved then what the hell is the point?!

So, I have high blood pressure.  I have had ever since I was pregnant with my daughter who is getting ready to turn 14 in two days (ACK!).  Children do more than just change your life, they change your bodies, usually forever.  Not that I regret it for one minute, mind you.  For years I tried to keep my blood pressure under control with diet and exercise. Not very successfully I might add.  I used to have this fabulous metabolism.  I did not appreciate how amazing it was until it was gone for good.  I had a baby and turned 30 right after- it was like flipping a switch. Gone are the days of eating and drinking whatever I want.  Unfortunately, I still have not completely wrapped my brain around this even after 14 years. See I love food.  I mean, LOVE food.  I try to eat healthy but life gets in the way.  I'm sure most of you know how that is.

Yeah, I would totally marry food.  Anyway, as usual, I digress.  A couple of years ago my doctor put me on BP meds.  I've still tried to keep exercising and eating right but I often feel that I am fighting a losing battle.  Cry me a river right?  Anywho, I have a week before I can get into the doctor so I was researching ways to lower blood pressure naturally.  One of the things I noticed was drinking pomegranate juice.  I work at a fancy office/hotel complex.  It has one of those little stores that sells natural juices in all combinations.  No pomegranate juice but one of the combos was a "magic" weight loss drink. That kind of stuff makes me think of wheat grass and all that other nonsense but I thought, what the hey, let's give it a try.  Can't hurt, right?  WRONG!!  Even when I walked through the door my cells in my body screamed in protest.  All natural, I hate those words.  As if that guarantees its good for you.  You know what else is all natural?  Bella Donna, its an all natural poison for crying out loud! So the drink I got had grapefruit, spinach, pineapple, cucumber, parsley, ginger and cinnamon.  Okay, I like all that stuff. That should be okay.  What I noticed when they were making my drink?  They didn't use just a little parsley.  They used two whole big, honking handfuls handfuls of  parsley.  This was basically parsley juice with a little bit of grapefruit juice thrown in.  It was the most God awful thing I think I've ever tasted.  I wasn't able to drink more than just a couple of ounces and it took me two hours, a bag of cheetos and a large chocolate chip cookie to get that taste out of my mouth!  So much for my diet. But it was completely worth it to get rid of the nastiness.  My taste buds are still reeling from being subjected to such horror!  And for my troubles?  I got the most amazing heartburn within in a few minutes!  Wow, being healthy is so much fun!  NOT!

Do you know who John Pinette is?  If you don't, then I am very sorry for you.  He's a hilarious comedian that sadly, died not too long ago.  He was, shall we say, a tad husky. Here is his take on Juicing.  This is from his hilarious show, I'm Starving.  When ever I need to laugh, I watch the whole thing.  It never fails to have me crying tears of laughter.  I regret not getting a chance to see him live before he passed away.

Juicing is a fad, like so many other fads before it, the evil wheat germ among them.  I'm not saying it doesn't have health benefits.  There are those are fanatical about it.  Good for you if  you like the taste of seriously bitter grass.  I'm just saying it's probably not for me.  I'll have to find another route to living a more healthy lifestyle.  Something that preferably doesn't taste like ass.

Skinny shaming, is that really even a thing?

If you haven't seen this video, take a few minutes to watch.

It's amazeballs.  No lie, go on, I'll wait.  I'm obsessed with it.  Catchy right?  Beware it will now be stuck in YOUR head and you'll listen to it a million times too.  I first saw it on The Bloggess' page.  My daughter had a last hurrah with her friends this past weekend before school started and we drove around jamming out to tunes and this was one of the favs.  I cranked it up so loud I was slightly concerned about my speakers blowing.  It's fun, has a great message about body image and even has a fun video.  Admittedly, the artist isn't all that heavy, she's just not "skinny."  And that's awesome.  People come in all sizes and shapes and we should celebrate that.  I feel that is the basic message of this song.  I was on I-Tunes yesterday to purchase the song.  I seriously cannot get enough of it!  Anyway, I happened to look at the reviews thinking everyone would love it as much as I do.  I was shocked to see several reviews from "naturally thin" girls saying they found the song offensive. Seriously!?  They said it was "skinny shaming".  Okay, for real, is that even a thing?  Really want to get your mind blown?  Read the comments below the video.  I mean I am totally against bullying but I think these girls who refer to themselves as naturally skinny need to get a grip and go eat a doughnut.  Do they really feel like this song is trying to make them feel bad about being skinny?  If they do, then they aren't really listening.  Maybe they are too skinny to hear properly.  "Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top."  They have NO clue what it feels like to not be a larger body type and all that goes with it.  Have they ever walked down a hallway and heard people snickering and making mooing and oinking sounds?!  Nope. What kind of noise would you make to harass a skinny person anyway?  How would the taunts go?  "Oh wow, she's so skinny she doesn't even cast a shadow!"  That's pretty lame if you ask me.  I applaud this song and it's message.  If this fun, upbeat song makes you feel bad for being skinny, more than likely you have some major insecurities at play there.  There's a famous quote by Eleanor Roosevelt ~ "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."  Totes McGotes folks!

Now people can be cruel over any number of different things.  I know this.  It's everywhere and some of it is downright evil.  I've never heard of someone getting picked on for being too skinny but I'm sure it happens.  I've worked hard as a mother to convince my daughter, it's okay to be different and it's okay to be weird.  She has "Be Weird" written in lipstick on her mirror.  In our society being different is frowned upon.  When it really should be celebrated!   If we were all the same, things would be so damn boring we'd all blow our brains out. Diversity should be praised above all other things.  My daughter is very thin, she loves this song.  She thinks it's fun!  Because it is FUN!!   I have no idea why this song would construed in a negative way except that people are simply cray cray over the things they get upset over.  It's a growing issue in our society.

And as usual, I went off on a tangent.  Bottom line, skinny bitches need to get over themselves and listen to ALL the words of the song and just enjoy the fact that's a fun damn song.  Music is about entertainment people and I for one find this song highly entertaining.  I hope you do to!  

And if you are "naturally thin" bully for you! I used to be once upon a time too, hope your metabolism never shuts down like mine did.  Now go get a doughnut (that won't stick to your ass anyway) and a grip on reality and get the fuck over it!  Everyone really just needs to calm down. It's just a song and it's freaking AWESOME!