Hiding my own Easter eggs....

One of my former bosses always said this.  He'd be searching for something around the office and he'd tell us "I could hide my own Easter eggs!"  It always made me laugh and it hit home since I am forever putting things in a "safe" place and then promptly forgetting where that place is.  Sometimes it really worries me how forgetful I am becoming.  And I am not above acting a fool when in search of a missing item.

Not that long ago, I "lost" my debit card.  I had it out of my wallet and had left it on the kitchen counter, when I went back later, it was no where to be seen.  Trying not to panic as I knew it couldn't have sprouted legs and walked out, I began to tear the house apart looking for it.  I was supposed to leave and go meet friends, as I looked and looked, becoming more agitated, I called (ok maybe screamed) for my daughter, to see if she had seen it.  Little Miss non-observant said no, which she always does, she's worse than I am and she's young!  There's no excuse there. 20 minutes later and pretty close to tears I did suddenly did a pat down and found that it was stuck safe and sound in the side of my bra!  What place could be safer?  From me too, apparently.  I have no recollection of picking it up and putting it there.  Good grief!  I grudgingly admitted to my loving child where I had found it.  She laughed at me.  And to add insult to injury, she had a friend over who bore witness to the whole drama and shared the story with her parents.  Lovely.  Ah well, you just have to laugh at yourself when you realize you've been ridiculous right?  

A week or so ago I found a note about an overdue library book from the school. I asked my daughter about it.  "Oh yeah, that was one of the books that was on the stairs, but you picked it up so I don't know where it is now."  How dare I!  Picking something up and putting it away! The sheer audacity!  I recall vaguely a couple of books on the stairs that were there for what seemed like months.  I finally got tired of seeing them and obviously on a cleaning rampage had the temerity to move them. "I'm sure I put them on your bookshelf honey."  "No, mom, I looked and it's not there. Why did you have to pick them up?"  Seriously?!  How is this my fault and not hers for not keeping track of her stuff?  Now school is almost out so of course this week I've gotten both emails and phone calls from the school saying the book must be returned NOW or I will have to pay to have it replaced.  I'm living in fear of the book police showing up on my doorstep at any moment.  So I decided to go on the hunt.  I am not opposed to paying to replace it but I want to make sure it's actually lost first.  I spent the better part of an hour looking everywhere I could think of that I would have put this book.  This led to anger and frustration with myself for not being more organized to save myself from this type of nonsense.  Before givin up, I decided to check the bookshelf in my daughter's room.  Guess what I found under a few papers?  Yup!  You guessed it.  I showed it triumphantly to my kiddo.  She barely even turned around.  "Oh was it on the bookcase?"  The restraint I showed in not lobbing the book at my child's head was really impressive.  

So now I know, snarky teenagers are sucky at looking for things but amazing at assigning blame to others.  But since I am the queen of losing shit, I'm an easy target!

My own worst enemy...

The two most common things I have found that I say a great deal to myself are "I hate my life" and "I'm tired."  

The first is an absolute lie.  I don't hate my life.  Not in the least.  I have a beautiful daughter, who is my world even when she's being a snarky teenager.  I have a good job, my own house and a nice car.  I am very blessed to have many amazing friends who love me despite the fact that I am, at times, a babbling, insecure, weirdo.  I have family that loves me unconditionally and supports me no matter what.  I normally say "I hate my life" to myself when something is going wrong or I'm just caught up in a stressful moment.  I have to remind myself that it's just a bad day or moment, not a bad life.  But I still catch myself saying it.  All.  The.  Time.  It's a habit I really wish I could break.  

The second thing, about being tired is sometimes true but not nearly as much as I say or think it.  I must think it 1000 times a day, every day.  Can I possibly be that tired all the time?  Lately I've made myself stop and evaluate, am I really tired?  The answer generally is no, but for some reason my brain just has that immediate response for everything.  Also, if I am actually tired, it's usually my own fault.  See, I'm a night owl in an 8 - 5 world.  I get a second wind around 10 pm and it's not unusual for me to stay up until midnight or later. Last night I was up until 1am.  Thankfully I don't have to be up until 7 but still, I'm probably always running a little short of sleep.  Sometimes on the weekends my body will take its revenge and I will sleep about 10 hours straight.  But there is rarely time for a luxury of that nature in this busy world.  Am I doing anything productive when I stay up late?  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  Last night for instance, I was trying to clear some space of my DVR.  Yup, I was sitting on my ass watching TV.  These are the days when I go to bed berating myself for staying up.  As if there is no excuse for not getting housework done (which is NEVER done by the way, everything just gets dirty again) or working on one of my many projects I have going or am trying to get started.  My inner voice seems to think I am never allowed to relax.  We have an ongoing inner battle where I justify that I have every right to some do nothing time now and then and she tells me, whatever, you are always sitting on your lazy ass!  Go do something!  

I think I may have mentioned my inner voice before, she's a total bitch!  I'm not kidding.  She is constantly putting me down, telling me I talk too much, drink too much and that everyone will tire of me at some point.  According to her I am fat and ugly and will spend the rest of my life alone.  She's just freaking EVIL!  When a friend tells me I'm beautiful, she's there whispering in my ear that they are only saying it because they love me and don't really mean it.  She's constantly pointing out all my faults and drilling holes in my confidence.  They say to be careful how you speak to your children as that becomes their inner voice.  I don't think that is true, my mother never would have said the ugly things my inner voice says to me.  So where does this come from?  Why when we look at ourselves are we so quick to find our every flaw and use it to tear ourselves down?  I think part of it comes from when we are growing up and we don't want to appear vain so we start talking about things we don't like about ourselves.  Then that becomes our focus more than the things we do like about ourselves.  

A few years ago there was a TV Show called How to Look Good Naked.  It was hosted by Carson Kressley of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy fame.  I think it was based on a show in England.  It wasn't on very long but I really, really wish they would bring it back.  I know the title is frightening, who out there thinks they look good naked?  Not me, that's for sure.  But they would take ordinary ladies and strip them down to their underwear and take pictures.  They would post the lady's picture (from the neck down) on the jumbo tron in Times Square or somewhere equally obvious.  Then they would ask passers-by what they thought of the picture.  They would then show the video clips to the woman so she could hear the many positive comments from total strangers.  They also did a makeover and gave them tips on how to dress in a more flattering way for their body shape.  Each show ended with a photo-shoot where the hope was that they had built up the woman's self-confidence to the point she felt she could pose in the buff.  Tastefully covered by scarves or feathers or what have you, of course.  We never saw nipple or anything.  I loved it!  I was always a blubbering mess by the time it was over, these women were changed forever.  I secretly wanted to nominate myself to be on the show.  I wanted to meet Carson. That man seems like he is just too much fun!  And I would love tips on how to dress. I never can seem to find a style that is me.  I end up feeling like a frumpy mom most of the time.  But isn't it sad that there even needed to be a show like that for women to help them build their self-confidence?  

And just to play devil's advocate, let's look at the other side of the coin too.  If you see a confident women don't you sometimes think to yourself, jeez what a snob?  Why!?  Why is being a self-critical mess acceptable and being strong and confident a sign that you are a conceited jerk?  It's a fine line. And one of the great mysteries of the universe.  The painful realization for me now is that I'm starting to notice the same behavior in my daughter.  This girl is truly beautiful.  I'm not just saying that just as her mom.  She could be a model if she had the desire to be.  But if you ask her, she will give you a very long list of things she doesn't like about herself and the way she looks.  I have never said any of these things to her so I know that it's not me that has become her inner voice.  But the outside world with all it's unrealistic views on beauty that has started chipping away at her confidence.  It makes me unbearably sad.  I've tried very hard to build up her confidence and support a strong self-image.  But what I didn't pay attention to was the fact that every time I called myself fat or said something else negative about myself, she was listening and it has affected her in a negative way as well.  Now I have an even greater challenge of trying to improve my own self-image so I can lead by example for her.

As happens more often than not, I have gone way off on some tangent and can barely remember my original point.  It's probably far too late now to try to get back there now.  I was upfront about this somewhere on this blog that I am fairly ADD and that means crazy, long, rambling tangents will happen people!  

I had a manager and friend many moons ago that told me she needed to talk to me about some complaints that she had received about me.  I almost lost my mind.  I am all about people pleasing and this just about sent me over the edge.  Then she informed me that the person who was complaining about me was ME.  She told me to stop.  So I guess the message I have today if there is one in all this, is to just give yourself a break.  And love yourself.  It's okay.  You really ARE beautiful. And you do deserve some lazy, TV watching time, we all do.  And maybe if I let myself I will realize that I am beautiful too.   I will leave you with a photo of a poem given to me by a woman who is a mother to me, I keep it on my fridge where I have to see it almost every day.

Fear and loathing on Aisle 7

I'll be honest here, I abhor going to the grocery store.  I think it is owned and operated by Satan himself, who is having a fantastic time watching the lot of us push our carts up and down aisle after aisle like mindless zombies.

I used to enjoy it but somewhere around the nine millionth time I went, it lost its allure.  One of the few drawbacks to being single is there is never anyone else to go, just you.  The only thing that makes it almost tolerable to me now is when the wine department is doing free tastings. 

I've tried both making a list and winging it and neither works out well.  I always get home and it's like dang it!i Forgot such and such and that was the whole reason I went in the first place.  Plus I can never stick to a list.  I'm a horrible impulse shopper, so I usually end up spending twice my budget and coming home with stuff I don't necessarily need.  I put it off as long as possible (usually when we are running low on TP, the one thing I refuse to be out of EVER) and now I go on off days and times.  Like Wednesday at 9 pm.  There are no wine tastings but there are also less assholes.  Part of the reason I don't like the store, is the people who flock there and crowd the aisles and are just so completely thoughtless and rude it makes me crazy!  I was taught to keep to the right side of the aisle and when I'm looking for something I stop opposite it and do my best to stay out of the way.  Was this a lesson only MY mother taught me?  It floors me when you are perusing a shelf and someone pushes their cart in front of you and stops.  Right. In. Front. Of. You.  Like you don't even exist.  I am so non-confrontational, I never say anything but it makes me want to flick their ear and say Hey!  Human being here!  I'm sure they would respond along the lines of oh no, I didn't see you there!  Seriously?  I'm 5'10" and not skinny so I'm pretty sure I would qualify as visible.  It blows my mind how many people lack common courtesy and are just oblivious to the world around them.

Then there is the whole, we have 30 checkout lanes but we're only going to have 4 open and one of those is 10 items or less, thing?  I know it has to do with staffing and all but it's still irritating.  And don't even get me started on the parking lot and all the people who are too busy to push the cart the extra 10 feet to the return area.  

I live in a small town, the same small town where I grew up and I'm just amazed at people who move to a place like this for the atmosphere but who apparently have no intention of contributing to it.  They bring their big city attitudes and make me seriously consider moving out to the middle of nowhere.  I'm a gregarious person by nature but I cannot abide rudeness from anyone. 

I would consider employing a service for grocery store trips, if there was one available.  Just so I could get a breather and maybe then I wouldn't feel like I was traversing into hell every time I went to the store.  I think Amazon should start offering ordering groceries online.  That would be amazing as I'm one of the few people left who don't feel comfortable going in my pajamas.  

Ultimately, it's just one of the necessary evils in life and I need to suck it up and deal with it best I can.  Also I know most people are fairly decent and it's just a few bad apples that ruin it for the rest of us.  But it seems like the bad apples are multiplying faster than the good eggs.  

Alone doesn't always mean lonely

For those that don't know me I am over 40 and twice divorced.  I know, your first thought is, man there must be something wrong with me.  Or, I must be some kind of crazy bitch.  Well, I hope the first one isn't true, although I've had some rough moments worrying over it, I will confess.  The second I don't think is true. While I might be more than my fair share of crazy, I'm more of the fun kind of crazy.

So here I am heading into my mid-forties riding solo.  This is actually intentional.  I met my second husband when I was separated from but technically still married to my first.  There was no real down time in between the two relationships. So when my second husband and I decided to get a divorce I made up my mind that I wanted a break.  I had no interest in a romantic relationship. That's not to say I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out.  I simply wanted time to be by myself and make sure I was comfortable with me.  I also wanted to be able to concentrate on raising my daughter.  The prospect of dating with a child was foreign and awkward to me.  Still is honestly.  Plus I didn't want to rush into another relationship for fear of making the exact same mistakes I had made in the past.  This is a big thing for me and a huge reason I'm not in any kind of hurry.

I decided I was going to go out and do things by myself.  Each time I have ventured out on my own it has always turned out to be a really fun adventure.  I'm a gregarious person by nature so I have no problem talking to complete strangers.  I've gone and explored a couple of nearby wineries and met some wonderful and fun people.  I've gone to restaurants on my own and hung out in the bar and chatted up the patrons, bartenders and even owners.  You'd be surprised how many people are willing to strike up a conversation.  Not once has anyone made me feel like a lonely loser.  (I just realized I haven't done this in a while and it's time to get back out there!)  Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, we have a blast together. Without them I would be lost, but I like that I am comfortable just being on my own sometimes.  In fact, if I don't get one day every now and then when I can have some me time, things could get ugly.  I did go through an introverted period in my life and that quiet little girl is still inside me somewhere and every now and then she rears her head.

But no matter how well adjusted I sound, I still have my low points.  I'll see pictures or posts of people who are celebrating their 65th (or whatever) wedding anniversary and I get down because I realize, that will never be me.  Pause for collective "awe" here.  And I am learning to be okay with that.  On the other side of the coin, I'll be honest, I have no idea if I ever want to get married again.  Not to say I am anti-relationship.  But it will take someone pretty freaking amazing to convince me to make a third trip down the aisle.  I'm talking slaying dragons and riding around on white horses here.  Someone who is willing to accept that I don't need to be taken care of but still wants to take care of me anyway.  Someone as goofy as I am.  The list goes on but you get the general idea.

But this begs the question, do we really have to be married to live a fulfilling life?  Why does being a single woman mean I'm automatically on the hunt for another husband?  Oh and by the way it sure as hell doesn't mean I'm after someone else's husband!  I mean, puleeze, no need to lock up your hubbies around me ladies, I have no interest.

I'm sure you've all seen this meme or something similar:

Which is great and beautiful.  I give props to these fabulous people and anyone who can break my current record of ten years.  A successful marriage is a lot of work.  But I think stuff like this glosses over the fact that up until recent years, it was unusual for women to work outside of the home and many stayed in unhappy or even destructive relationships because they were scared to try and make it on their own.  Now women feel empowered and would rather be on their own than settle for something that makes them unhappy.  I don't feel like I threw away either one of my marriages.  They ended for various reasons and I know in my heart that in both cases it was the best possible decision for me.  And you know what?  I'm fine on my own.  I enjoy hanging out with my friends, married and single alike.  If I get lonely I hop on Facebook and see what people are up to or I call one of my friends and see if they are up for doing anything or just hanging out.   And sometimes I just wallow in it a bit and stay in my jammies all day and watch sappy Lifetime or Hallmark movies.  Or I go grab a book and I read.  Nothing gets you out of your head like immersing yourself in a story.  I also enjoy my alone time with my kiddo, we are very close and talk about just about everything.  We have a very special bond that I wouldn't trade that for anything.  

Bottom line, I don't feel like I am missing out, not yet anyway. (Check back in a few years, I may have completely changed my tune.)  And I'm determined that I'm not ever going to settle again.  I know what I want and what I don't want.   This is my time to make sure I am good with me.  I did start dating again recently after four years completely on my own. He's a sweet guy and we have a lot of fun together.  Do I hear wedding bells?  Not really.  But so what?  I'm busy with my life and he's busy with his and we enjoy each other's company when we can.  It may never evolve into more than that and that's okay.  There's no pressure and there shouldn't be. 

Do I hope for happily ever after someday?  Absolutely, because deep down inside I am a pathetically, hopeless romantic.  I just have to trust that when it's meant to be it will happen.  Until then, I have many people in my life who love me and accept me for who I am no matter what.  And what more can you ask for than that?  So I may get a little drunker than I should when we hang out and dance on a few tables.  But if you've never done that, well, I'm sad for you.  

Unplugging

As I sit here typing this on my laptop, to my right is my Android smart phone (no not an I-phone, I'm fighting the power), to my left is my I-pad (yeah, so, apparently I suck at fighting the power).  Also on my desk is my daughter's I-pad mini, my digital camera and my wireless printer.  Sometimes I look at this over-abundance of technology beeping and blinking at me and I think okay this is out of hand.  I need to just shut it all off and walk away.

When I was growing up there was a small park just a few blocks from my house.   This park occupied four small lots on a corner in our neighborhood.  The land had been bought and donated to the city in the memory of two brothers from our town that had died while serving their country in World War II.  The park was mostly empty except for a monument in the center which had a large granite cross on top.  I say was.  It still is pretty much the same way today except last time I drove by the city had built a swing set near the monument.

As a kid I spent most of my time with my nose in a book.  And way back then, spending a summer day inside was unheard of.  I remember my grandmother telling me that I needed to go outside to "blow the stink off me."  No, not kidding, that's what she would tell us.  More days than I can count I would ride my bike or walk down to the park and sit on the cool stone monument with my back leaning on the cross, reading.  Or I would draw.  And I would make up stories and write them in down in spiral notebooks.  I spent hours and hours lost in fantasy worlds.  It was wonderful.  

Now we have all this technology available to us and I know, it's great.  Don't get me wrong, I love all my toys and gadgets.  I went without my phone for 24 hours recently and I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I was nervous to leave the house.  What if something happened?  What if someone needed me?  I guess I forgot I lived almost 30 years without having a cellphone and managed to survive unscathed.   But we've gotten so used to being connected, it makes us feel uncomfortable to be out of touch.

I think unplugging every now and then is not just a good idea, it's necessary.  Times change and not always for the better.  Ever see the movie Wall-E?  I don't think it's that far off base that in our future we could all be blobs in chairs letting machines do most of the heavy lifting for us.  Hopefully it won't come to that but I have a great fear of it getting close.

So even though it scares the hell out me to be without my phone for more than 30 minutes, I really feel the need to get away from it at least for one afternoon.  And just because I'm cool like that, I'm going to drag my daughter along with me, kicking and screaming if necessary.  No phones, no technology.  We'll go to a park and get us some nature.  Although it will make me crazy not to have a way to take pictures to commemorate the expidition, it would defeat the purpose to take even a camera.  The point is to take in the world around us with just our senses.  I'm pretty sure my daughter will view this as torture, but oh well.  It's time to get out there and get the stink blown off us.  

Stop trying to make 'Shindig' happen

So apparently my teen daughter is a mean girl. Or at least she thinks she's Billy Badass with me anyway.  On our way home from an all day volleyball tournament to get ready for the league banquet the other day we were having a chat.

Me:  "So as soon as this shindig tonight is over we are going home to crash."

Her:  (after a few moments of silence). "You know, no one says shindig anymore. "

Me:  "What? " (Feigning surprise). "They don't?  Huh."  Pause while I let this percolate.  "So wait are you trying to tell me shindig isn't going to happen?  Like fetch?  And that I should stop trying to make it happen?"

Her:  (giggles)   "Yeah."  [By the way, to go off topic for a minute - does it make everyone else feel like a friggin' champion if you can make your teenager laugh or smile?  When it happens I want to run up a bunch of stairs to the Rocky theme and dance around like a fool at the top!  Okay maybe 'run' is a little ambitious.  Walk up slowly holding the handrail and dance at the top while puffing like a steam engine from the climb is closer to reality.]

Sometime later:

Her:  "Do you remember when Elvis died? (And before I can answer) I don't, because I was no where near being born yet."

Me:  "Uh yeah, I was 7 and I do remember." Where is this going?.

Her:  "And you probably remember when that rocket blew up too." 

Me:  "Shuttle and yes that was 86 and I was like 15."

Okay, is this little shit trying to tell me I'm old and decrepit or something!?!

Her:  "Wow Mom."

Me, defensively:  "I only know the exact year because we were playing an 80's trivia last night at my friend's house and that was one of the questions!"

Her:  (laughing)  "Uh-huh.  Okay."
Oh yeah, she's definitely hinting not so subtly that I am beyond ancient! 

So this is where I have to remind myself that anything over 20 is ancient to a 13 year old.  Besides I do love it when I can make her laugh.  And I love our little chats in the car, even when she is basically insulting me.  I have made the car a free talk zone.  Anything can be discussed with no judgment, or at least if I must judge, I try to do it on the inside.  Since my kiddo is spoiled rotten and has not just a Kindle and a I-pad Mini but an I-phone (Seriously?!  When I was her age I was excited when I got a new set of markers!!) it's hard to compete for her attention sometimes.  Of course, she is always free to talk to me about anything and at any time and place.  I remind her of that constantly, I'm never going to win a mom of the year award or anything but I know the only way we will survive the teenage years is to keep an open dialog between us.  It just seems like we have some of our best talks while driving in the car, maybe because it's just the two of us in an small, enclosed space.  Whatever the reason I try to just enjoy the fact that she's engaged and participating in the conversation.  She's a complete smart ass (no idea where she gets it) and says some pretty hilarious stuff sometimes and unfortunately I tend to forget exactly what it was within 20 minutes.  But I never forget the feeling of enjoying time with the person who means the most to me.

And then there was NOTHING!!!

So, if you haven't read my first post, go back and read it, I'll wait.  What, no?  Ain't nobody got time for that?  Okay fine, here's the gist.  I got all inspired by a quote a friend sent me and decided I needed to realize my life long dream of becoming a writer.  That this was actually a message from God through my friend. And that the best way to do this was to get my butt writing.  I thought, well, my friends tell my I'm mildly humorous.  Why don't I write a blog?  Doesn't that sound like a great idea?


I follow several bloggers.  These women are hilarious, they are snarky and slightly bent (this is a compliment) and in a word, amazeballs.  First, the one that started it all is People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  The first post I read was the one that went viral where she went on a rant about that creepy little elf on the shelf dude (oh so glad my daughter was too old for that before it became popular).  Please check Jen out.  She's my inspiration.  She has a FAQ about blogging and is one of the main reasons you are reading this today.  There is also Moms Who Drink and Swear, I mean thank God I'm not the only one!  Yes I have a very foul mouth and I likes to drink a bit.  Okay a LOT.  If foul mouths bother you, you might want to fuck off now.  Just kidding, but not really.  I will be swearing occasionally, or depending on my mood you might think I have Tourette's.  And last but not least is the grand dame, The Bloggess.  If you have never read any of these blogs.  Go do it right now!  No wait, scratch that, finish mine first.  But really, you should do yourself a favor and check them out.  They make me cry tears of laughter.  And the other really awesome thing about them, they are all friends and support each other.  And maybe I can get in on the love fest too someday but I'm just a baby blogger, don't want to get ahead of myself. 


So I had this great idea of writing a blog and thanks to PIWTPITT, I had the tools.  So I setup my Blogger account and wrote my first post and bam!  I posted it. Whew!  But that wasn't enough.  I created a Facebook page for it and (insert shameless plug here) if you haven't liked me on Facebook, please do so now.  Sorry, not sure when I got so bossy.  Please, please, please go like my page on Facebook.


Before I could chicken out I invited all my friends to like my page on FB and I watched with amazement and glee as person after person liked it. I got over 100 likes in about 5 hours!!  I was over the moon!  They like me, they really, really like me!  And then, it happened.  Buyer's remorse.  Reality, and probably some of my inner voice, the Evil, set in.  I started to think holy Hell WHAT HAVE I DONE?!  What was I thinking?  People are going to SEE this, they are going READ this! I might as well rip off all my clothes and go running down the street screaming "Look at me!!"  They are going to think I'm stupid and make fun of me!  I'm not funny!  What was I thinking?  I mean I totally panicked. I will never be able to keep up with this! What the hell else am I going to write about?!   AAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK!  So I drank a very large glass of red wine and went to bed berating myself for my temerity and seriously considering telling everyone it was a very elaborate and early April fool's joke. 


And I woke up the next morning, took a deep breath and sat down to write this post.  I reminded myself I don't have to post every day.  I can post a couple times a week or a couple times a month.  I will write when inspiration strikes me and save them so hopefully I will have a few stored up over time for when I am suffering from writer's block or what have you.  I am going to kick fear's ASS!!  Self doubt, you too! Screw you!  And If you don't like my blog, don't read it.  I mean for reals! I really hope I only get positive comments at least for now.  I know PIWTPITT says I need to get a thick skin and I know that I do, but I can't help it.  If someone berates one of my posts I will probably drink copious amount of alcohol and cry like a baby.  But I will get over it.  Not everyone will like my random thoughts of whatever.  In fact, I'm not sure anyone but my friends, who love me and know I am very slightly bent and random, will ever read this blog but I don't care.  I'm living the dream baby, yeah!  Or at least I'm writing and that's the whole point.